Approval. We all seek it. I still don’t quite understand why we feel the need to gain approval from our family and friends to live a certain way, take a certain path, or even make a certain choice. But we do. And I wanted approval to travel the world.
When I first told people I was going to quit my job and travel with D, the responses were not positive in general:
You can’t travel with your boyfriend unless he proposes first.
You’re so lucky you don’t have to work.
You’re lazy, and taking the easy way out because you don’t want to work anymore.
You will never find another job again. EVER.
You can’t just not do anything with your life.
These are all expected. After all, our society is one that rewards hard work and sacrifice with raises and promotions, so that we can work even harder and sacrifice even more, in order to pay for things we’ve been told that we need to have a good life. Wanting something else – wanting to be actually happy – is just a selfish, self-indulgent desire. Why should I get a ticket out when everybody is stuck in their own personal hell?
This can all be expected. But it was still devastating to not receive support.
As much as I knew in my heart that NONE of the above statements are true, it’s still all too easy to let the negative comments get under your skin. I admit it, I let them affect me big time.
Even though I was happy and confident in my relationship with D, I let other people’s fears question just how strong it is. It almost broke us apart. Luckily, before it did permanent damage, I realized that all it mattered was how we feel towards each other. And that I don’t need to flash a stupid diamond ring (that I can’t even wear anyway in certains parts of the world!) just to make others feel more secure.
But worst of all, all the negative comments made me question whether traveling really is in my best interest. I wondered if I should just continue to stay in a job that didn’t feel right, because isn’t having health insurance and a pension plan the most important? Am I dumb to throw away something that millions of Americans wish they had?
As I struggled to find myself during those months, all the criticism left a huge imprint of doubt on my heart. But I also heard another set of words that left an even bigger impact. And that’s what this post is about.
It’s kinda funny how people will start to open up to you about their lives, once they hear you’re doing something different with yours. People who you’ve barely exchanged 2 sentences with will all of a sudden have very strong opinions about the choices you’re making. And in the midst of all that negativity, there was something I heard over and over again that crossed off any lingering doubt in my mind.
And that’s remorse, regret, sadness.
People expressed remorse that they never lived life the way they wanted to when they were young, before having kids, while healthy, etc. And now they feel stuck in their lives, needing to support a family and only having retirement to look forward to. Or that they worked their entire lives, and now only have a house to show for it.
“I wish I could do that, but I just got married and have a baby on the way,” one young man in his early 30’s expressed. His tone wistful, with a twinge of jealousy.
“I never traveled when I was young, and now I’m just waiting for retirement to have more time,” one older man confided. “I have 10 more years.” His eyes full of regret, but also hope for eventual happiness in retirement.
And then there was Peter. Peter was a client I worked with, and we did not get along at all. There were times he came into my office yelling and cursing at me, for no apparent reason. I was convinced that it was his personal mission to make my job harder. But when I eventually broke the news to all the clients, his reaction surprised me the most.
“I’m proud of you.” he said, beaming. And in that moment, he finally respected me as someone brave enough to pursue a different kind of dream. “Your parents will be proud of you one day too.”
I hope he’s right. And I’m sure it’ll be true someday. But at the same time, I’ve also learned it doesn’t matter. Because in the end, I don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy.
And I don’t want to be that person who, in later life, silently regrets not having lived enough.
For what’s the single most common thing I heard? “I wish I had done that when I was young.”
And those 10 little words scared me more than the harshest criticism or even threats of excommunication.
Those 10 words were all that I really needed to hear.
To know that I never want to utter those same words.
Love this!! I was actually just wanting to write about how the people you expect to be the most supportive of your choices often aren’t, and the unexpected people who surprise you with their encouragement. I never encountered someone who was openly negative about my choice to leave a stable life to go travel, but people that I thought were my good friends are now just pretending I don’t exist. Or they might comment “aren’t you lucky.” It does bother me, but in the end I know I can’t be responsible for other peoples’ reactions; all I can do is live MY life! And I’m sure gonna go out there and live it. :)
Yes!! I too, was going to write about how people I didn’t expect to be supportive ended up being the most supportive. But this post just ended up in a slightly different direction. I’m so sorry to hear about your friends. I can start seeing that as well (and you realize who your TRUE friends are). It’s terrible, but that’s right.. we gotta go out and live our own lives! I’d love to read your post when you write it!!
What a great post and what a loaded topic!! Most of the objections you heard out loud I imagine in my head – as in, I imagine that’s what everyone is thinking, even if they don’t say it. But what I realized is that it’s none of my business what people think, whether or not they approve, etc. I work my ass off, and I’m sure you do too, to live the lifestyle you’re living. There are a LOT of sacrifices involved, a lot of comforts to give up, a lot of fears to face. So I’m on Team Peter – kudos to you, you’re NOT lazy, this IS a valid lifestyle choice, and all the haters can just keep on a’hatin, because folks like us are just gonna keep on a’travelin.
Haha! Well said – “all the haters can just keep on a’hatin, because folks like us are just gonna keep on a’travelin.” <3 Whatever people is thinking in their heads is not really about YOU, and is really just a reflection of their own insecurities and justification for sacrifices they've made. It's a hard lesson to learn that we don't need approval, and believe me, I'm still learning it! Thanks again for your encouragement!
I think everyone should travel when they are young, although I do understand that circumstances stop some people. Once we travel we realize how helpful and friendly people are. If we could all travel I am sure there would be less fighting between countries. Plus it makes us grow as people, broadens our horizons, develops our thinking. Travelling is a great way to find out if we are really suited to our partners too. I started travelling with my then boyfriend when we had only been going our for three months. We travelled together for a year (on a budget) then stayed in one place for two years and saved to travel some more. Best thing we ever did. We didn’t get married until six years later. :) You are on the right path, enjoy :)
If only more people had an open mind like you, Jan! Traveling is indeed the best life education. And what a lovely story about you and your husband. I agree that couples who can travel together… stay together! Since you will be together 24/7, and will be seeing the absolute worst of each other. :)
Far from being a lazy or easy choice, it actually takes a lot of courage to leave behind your normal life to pursue a big dream like this, one that many of us wouldn’t be able to do so you should feel really proud that you took the plunge and followed your heart – jobs will always be available if you decide to come back to a regular working life and the experiences you gain on your travels will be invaluable!
Thanks Shikha! Sadly, a lot of people don’t see it as courage, and as a cowardly move to run away from real life. So it’s so nice to connect with other travelers and receive encouragement. And yes, a lot of people also don’t realize that jobs will always be there!
Gahh!! Totally feel you! My mom kind of sensed that I am toying with the idea of leaving my job and go rogue around the world, so lately she’s been peppering me with remarks like “You know, I’m old, I’ll die in regret if I don’t get a grandson soon!”
Your last few sentences here is the crux of the matter. Many a-holes just spend their time pouring cold water on others who have the courage to travel or do something different, and then regret that they did not do the same when it is already too late.
Yeah! Once I started talking to the older people, I was surprised at how many of them said that not traveling was the thing they wish they had done most!
As for your mom- lol! I hope she can wait!