In the morning, as soon as I open my eyes, I grab for my phone to look at my notifications. During the night, emails have come into my inbox informing me of my tasks for the day. I go through each one and quickly form some sort of schedule of which tasks I’m going to tackle first and how long I should spend on each one.
Once I feel ready to get out of bed, I sit at my desk, open my laptop and begin work. I go through the rest of the day, checking off each task as I complete them. Yes, there are breaks and a lot of procrastination in between, sometimes even a short nap or yoga practice.
Some days, I work from home, all day holed up in my room, leaving it only to grab food from the kitchen. Some days, I go to the cafe and plant myself there for 8 hours (they don’t care) because it’s the only place I can work without getting distracted.
Either way, by the end of the day, I feel completely drained.
Some days, this is past midnight and I crash into bed right away. Some days, I finish work earlier but all I want to do is watch mindless shows or listen to an audio book and play Candy Crush.
I think of my poor neglected blog. And I want to write for it, I really do. But I seem to have lost all my inspiration and creativity.
I’ve entered a transition period. I went from being the mostly woman of leisure I had been for the past 2 years to juggling multiple freelancing gigs. Practically a full-time’s job worth, and yet, well… let’s just say I’m earning nowhere close to what I used to.
I’m not going to lie. It’s difficult. I often wonder if this is really a sustainable living. How long can I do this for? Is this going to be good enough in the future? 2 years from now? 5 years? 20??
The weeks go by uneventfully and I’ve settled into a pretty mundane little routine of wake, work, eat, sleep. Rinse, repeat. I suppose it’s the same as anyone else. But that’s not the hard part.
It’s more like that sometimes, I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’m not living up to my potential. That I made the decision to leave my old life to have more than this.
And it saddens me that I’ve stopped doing the things I enjoy (like blogging and art). I hardly ever even take pictures to post to Instagram anymore. The simple reason? I just don’t feel inspired.
I guess the past couple of months had me feeling like I’m in a state of stuck, and just waiting to feel inspired again. But I’m ready to create and embrace life again.
This post was supposed to be explanation for my long absence, but the truth is that I needed to write this for myself too because sometimes I loose sight of the ultimate goal for living this kind of life and all the good I have around me. Instead I find myself comparing too much to what I had before.
This has not been easy and some days I may feel very uncertain about where this is all going, but I do know this:
I still get to wake up whenever I want. I can sleep in if I feel extra tired that day. I can choose to stay in and not put on clothes and work in bed, or I can work in a cafe while nibbling on a slice of cake.
I earn enough to live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, and I get to hop on a plane and explore someplace new every once in a while.
I still have the freedom and flexibility to do what I want and be where I want.
And I’m still having one heck of an adventure.